I don’t like Halloween.
Yes, it does have to do with the unholy origins of the day.
But that’s not everything.
Halloween is a day that you pretend to be something that you aren’t.
Some people do the “being something you aren’t” thing in gory or gruesome ways. I saw someone dressed as a pregnant zombie, complete with her unborn baby’s (a nasty looking doll) head and appendages sticking through her shirt.
Some people try to live a fantasy — like a woman I saw who dressed as a man.
Others relive the past — such as the middle-aged woman who dressed as a pregnant woman and came back later with her brand new baby (a cabbage patch doll).
Little kids go as princesses or animals or Elmo — to escape being themselves for a day.
I don’t have much patience for these things.
It’s not because I don’t think people should have fun. If that’s what they want to do, who am I to tell them they can’t?
But please- I’ll respect your right to do these things if you respect my right NOT to.
And why do I “not want to”?
For a person who has experienced the things that I have — the guilt of womanhood, the burden of legalism, and always having to conform to everyone else’s idea of what you should be — every single day of your life could be Halloween. Every single day of your life could be Halloween because you’re forced to be something you aren’t every minute of every day, and you struggle and silently scream to be released from the masquerade your life has become.
Personally, I’ve spent too much time being someone I am not, someone I don’t want to be, and someone I actually hate having to be.
I just want to be me. I was made the way I am for a purpose, and as long as I’m trying to be someone I was never intended to be, I will never fulfill my purpose. I will never be content. I will never be joyful or happy. Of course, discipline, self-control and good moral values are important, but those things can be taught and accomplished without tearing someone’s sense of self away from them.
So, after watching everyone around me going to great lengths to be someone they’re not, tonight, I am asking myself how I can go about being who I really am. I suppose the first step would be to figure out just exactly who I am. And I suppose the second step would be to stop caring about what everybody else thinks — because I’m horribly afraid of having people observe and criticize me, and THAT is the thing that holds me hostage in my personal masquerade of a life.